Column 3: Community

“What if I had never met you?” - Carrie Bradshaw

Wine: ONEHOPE Limited Edition Bloom Sauvignon Blanc

Recipe: @cookingfone1 Portobello Pesto Pasta

Above all, it's important to me that the readers of these columns leave with a feeling of hope. While I try to share in the most raw and candid manner as possible, I try to have a positive outlook on many of the challenges I’ve faced. As it's been said before now,”You can’t always get what you want…but you get what you need.” And this year that has rung true for me. Spoiler alert: this story has a happy ending. I’ve found so much happiness and peace in the community I’ve been fortunate enough to have found, and no matter who you are, everyone needs to “find their people”. I’ve had a pretty damn fun summer with some people I really love, doing many things but often including “porch pounding” (as they say) more bottles than I can count. I hope you enjoy reading this column with our Limited Edition Bloom Sauvignon Blanc. Trust me when I say that it goes down VERY easy and is best enjoyed on a porch with @cookingfone Portobello Pesto Pasta. I love how the green & grassy flavors of sauvignon blanc match that of basil pesto. It's as quick & easy as a recipe can be, as to maximize porch time with your pals over these last few glorious weeks of summer.

It was a week after I turned 30 and I was sitting at a 6 top at a restaurant in Napa. I looked around at the table of friends. A year before then I didn’t know a single one of them. Long story short, I met them by way of a guy that I had a hot summer fling with. Anyway, I was having a moment of gratitude, looking from one of them to the next, feeling immensely thankful that they had come into my life. 

We spent the evening getting caught up on everything happening in eachothers lives at the moment - each of us in very different places. One dealing with the recent death of an ex boyfriend that he had recently reconnected with shortly before the death. Two of them sat peacefully and happy in their relationship with each other, providing comfort and a glimmer of hope that some of us needed. One getting closer to a place of peace with where he was in that exact moment after a tumultuous decade. And another still searching for love after decades of hookups, flings, relationships and everything in between. All of us in varying stages of life and love, yet here we sat together at this table. I had wanted them in my life for a while, and didn’t even know how much I needed them for even longer. 

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In high school when I was closeted, I didn’t have any desire to build a community of gay friends. In my mind, anything or anyone directly or indirectly associated with homosexuality was something I would try to avoid because of my fear of being outed. Many of these things were rooted in stereotypes about what it looked like to be a gay man, but even so, I wasn’t going to risk it. Like many teens, back then I was insecure. Much of that insecurity had to do with both being in the closet and hiding in fear, and as a result I couldn’t shake the feeling of needing to overcompensate in other areas of my life to make up for that part of me that I thought was wrong. Because of that insecurity, I felt that I needed to have as many friends as possible. I was constantly bouncing around from different groups of friends, looking for the validation that all along I just needed to find within myself. I had many friends, but none that were very strong friendships.

A big part of me being motivated to write this column goes back to 2 friendships in particular that I had in high school. It was my junior year where I met the first guy through some mutual friends. We became good friends, and there was something different & more to our friendship than the rest of the friend group. It’s hard to explain but there was just a different kind of energy between us. That being said, nothing ever happened that made us more than friends. He was simply a nice & genuine guy that I enjoyed spending time with. I would consistently find myself in the front seat of his car as we shuttled around to various high school festivities. I remember having a little bit of a crush on him, but I certainly wasn’t in a place where I would do anything about it. And beyond that, I wasn’t sure if he was gay and definitely wasn’t about to try to find out. It was wasn’t until our mid 20’s that I realized that at some point since high school, he had come out as gay. I remember when I saw it on social media, feeling happy for him, but also feeling a sense of regret and sadness. It makes me sad to think about how we were both going through our struggles silently in parallel with each other, but never knowing the truth about one another. I couldn’t help but wish that we had both been out of the closet back then so we could have been there for eachother. High school is not easy for many people, let alone people struggling with their sexuality. I wish the two of us had the confidence to feel like we could have confided in each other back then. It's my hope that younger kids can grow up in a world that is different from the one my generation grew up in. One where sexuality isn’t something that people feel should be hidden, but rather just is what it is and not a stopping point in conversation.

I remember back then there was another guy in our class who had made out with a guy from another school at a party, and what ensued was the most vicious rumor mill about them. They became the bud of many jokes about being gay, and I knew that if I was ever suspected of being gay, that the same would have probably ensued with me. One of them was a friend of mine, but we weren’t particularly close. I wish I would have had the strength and courage back then to be more of a support to him during that time when others were so hard on him. Back then, I felt like if I would have reached out and supported him during that time, that I would have been labeled as gay. My thinking was so flawed - it's crazy for me to think back to that time. That alone was an example of just how riddled in fear I was back then. For me, the fear of being “outed” was so strong, and so complexly interwoven into my thoughts and actions. Back then I was operating from such a place of insecurity.

 But what's even worse for me to think back on was that, in a feeble attempt to continually hide my true sexuality, I’m sure I made jokes about those two guys too. I know now that those in the closet can often be the worst homophobes. To a certain extent, they feel a certain amount of discomfort with who they are, and as a result that same discomfort, and often self hate, is spread outward as much as it’s spread inward. Sometimes I think when we see a part of ourselves that we dislike in someone else, it triggers insecurity and causes us to want to create distance from them.

I try not to live with regrets, although I struggle when I look back and think about these 2 situations. For so long I was silent, and a big part of this blog is ending the silence I have kept for so long. Much of that silence was born from fear for what others may think of me. I’m trying to use those feelings of regret to motivate me to be more vocal today, and help “right some of the wrongs” of situations I’ve witnessed and been part of in my past that I wish I would have acted differently in.

For the time after I came out when I was still in college, I was still dealing with a certain amount of shame and internalized homophobia. I had this idea of what gay men were, and I didn’t want to be associated with it. For a long time now there has been a misrepresentation of what a gay man looks like, and the most visible gay men were often portrayed as flamboyant and/or feminine to a certain degree. While those characteristics can be found in gay men, they can be found in some straight men as well. And I think that the representation of those characteristics in TV & film almost exclusively in the characters of gay men, cased alot of confusion over the past few decades regarding what a gay man is. I would argue that this perception of gay men caused many closeted gay men to stay in the closet because they didn’t want to be associated with that stereotype, or didn’t identify with those characteristics for one reason or another. And because of that, a viscous cycle of staying closeted insued. At the end of the day, there was an image painted of what a gay man looked like, and I didn’t identify with that image. 

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For the greater part of most of my 20’s, I really didn’t put much energy into creating a community of gay friends around me. By my mid 20’s, I had already accumulated some truly great friends, and (certainly out of a place of ignorance) didn’t see the value in having gay friends. I foolishly always told myself that I would “have it all” and be completely happy when I got into a relationship. It's crazy looking back, and realizing how wrong I was in thinking that I didn’t need gay friends in my life, and how full my life has become since the ones I have now have entered my life.

At the core of the problem of me not having gay friends back then, I didn’t feel like I belonged to or related to the gay communities that I was exposed to. When I was living in San Diego in my mid 20’s, the “gay scene” that I was exposed to was to a certain degree centered around partying, drinking and often doing drugs. And while I certainly enjoy a night out on the town as much as the next guy, I felt like what I was exposed to was more of a lifestyle that I didn’t want for myself or really enjoy all that much. I would be very ignorant and wrong to say that was the only gay community in San Diego, but that was who I met at that time. I felt like I pulled away from the community I was exposed to, and instead told myself I was happy with the group of mostly straight friends that I knew. And all along, things in the dating area of my life weren’t going the way I wanted them to. There will be a whole other column about dating, so I’ll save all that dirt for then ;).

Part of my mentality back then could best be described by “lone wolf syndrome”. I didn’t connect with many people around me back then, so I just figured I was better off alone. And as a (part) introvert, I liked the idea of relying on myself to create my own happiness. But unfortunately, that mentality had the tendency of blocking me from connecting with others. I still very much believe in relying on yourself to make you happy, but I’ve learned that there is so much richness that can be added to your life from good friends.

My whole mentality before and after I came out was that I figured that I would come out of the closet, and soon after meet someone. That I’d settle down in my mid 20’s, get married and start a family. I spent the greater part of the past decade walking into rooms always looking for “that person”, thinking that they were just “right around the corner”. And when I didn’t find them, I would spend much of my time and energy feeling disappointed. It was an endless cycle of expectation followed by disappointment, that brought me so much unhappiness. In hindsight I wish I didn’t have to put myself through it for so long. It's a big part of what brought me to therapy not too long ago.

Lately I have been thinking alot about why I had put those expectations on myself and have been trying to figure out how I got to that place of wanting to be in a relationship so badly. I’m realizing that there were a few reasons. The largest being that I spent my entire childhood, adolescence and teen years in a place of hiding that I was gay. That hiding caused a significant amount of loneliness for a long time. While many of my friends spent their teen years dating and starting to have relationships, I spent them avoiding dating girls entirely, and because I was in the closet, unable to let myself date guys. Throughout that time, I was starved. And by the time I came out, I was so hungry for companionship and wanted it to happen instantly. 

Like Julia Roberts said in “My Best Friend's Wedding” while playing the food critic Julianne Potter (when trying to explain something about love to Cameron Diaz) ,“I'm better with food.” So here it is a different way: You can go into a meal and try to eat the whole plate as quickly as you can, and then soon after go into a food coma, feeling overstuffed and lethargic. On the flipside, you can eat slowly, take your time, enjoy every bite, and let it digest in a healthier way. I’m learning in my ripe age of 30, that the latter is the better, more sustainable way to begin date. I used to go into dates so  laser focused on trying to figure out if “this was the guy for me”, putting so much pressure on myself and frankly just trying to make things work that weren’t meant to be. It's actually been quite liberating for me lately since I had this realization. Rather than going into a date, trying to figure out how to act, or what to say or do to try to make someone like me, I’m now just trying to be myself, in a take it or leave it manner. And beyond that, simply just try to have a good time and enjoy myself. It's easier and less anxiety filled to go into a date with the mentality of just going in trying to make a friend. I’ve been told over and over that it really is the best first step if there's any hope of a healthy long term relationship. And if I can’t even get on solid ground with someone as their friend, then I surely don’t want them as anything more than that. After adopting this mentality, I’ve found myself to be calmer and to just enjoy the process more.

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One of the biggest learnings of my 20’s was that a big part of the loneliness that I felt & thought was a result of being single, was actually from a lack of a gay community in my life. Something that I always looked for in a romantic relationship was the feeling of being understood by someone. After all of the struggle of coming out and the loneliness that came before and after that point, I wanted to have someone who went through that experience like I did, yet had the same outlook on life of hope, and that better days than the ones of the past were ahead. I know for sure that that is something I still want in a partner, but what I didn’t realize is that I could find that sense of connection in a friend too. And when I ended up finding & connecting with a group of guys I am lucky to call my friends now, slowly but surely that loneliness that I used to feel slowly melted away. 

Life works in mysterious ways, and it's funny how I stumbled upon my group of friends here in Napa. At the beginning of this year, I reconnected with a guy that I had a hot summer fling with over 2 years ago. When part 2 of this flame was extinguished in a similar way that the summer one did, I found myself yet again (metaphorically & physically) smacking myself on the forehead, repeatedly asking myself why I went down this same road again, and let myself make the same mistake again. As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”, and I couldn’t help those words from ringing through my head everytime I thought about him. 

Amidst the collateral damage of me letting myself “catch feelings” for the wrong guy yet again, came some unexpected friendships. When we reconnected, he introduced me to a guy, who then introduced me to a few more guys who are some of my best friends today. We’re all quite different, but what I think we all have in common is quite simply the need for community. A while back I watched a Beyonce (shocker) interview , where she described her relationship with her good girlfriends. There is one thing that she said that has always stuck in my mind, and that  was that there is nothing like being surrounded by women who just understand you. It was those last few words that hit home and really stuck with me. I think that's a universal truth about all of us - that we just want to be understood. We all have our nuances and crucks of ourselves created by our collective life experiences. And I think we all know the feeling you get when you’re with someone who has walked a similar path as you. Some of the best lifetime memories & conversations I’ve had were when I’ve connected with someone who I feel underwood by, or simply “just gets me”. These conversations are often around a glass or two of wine and/or a good meal. Yes that was a shameless plug, but food is one of those mediums that brings people together. And a glass or two of wine never hurts to get people talking either ;). At the end of the day, we are all more alike than we are different and it's going to take more people speaking their truth for us to get to a place of understanding, unity and community.

I think as our group of friends have gotten closer, and shared the different experiences we have all gone through, a connection has resulted that is rooted in understanding and appreciating all that we have all been through. These days, there is no one I’d rather call or jump on the group text with than these guys to share what's happening in my life, whether good or bad. Beyond that, we simply just have fun together. And the timing couldn’t have been better for when we met either. Because from the years 2020-2022, fun was something you had to get creative to achieve. But as the world has opened up again, I have had a new appreciation for being able to be in person with people that I care about. Whether it's a car ride blasting Queen B, an afternoon hike, an evening workout class, or in my apartment sharing the good, bad or ugly of my latest romantic endeavor, I’ve never been having more fun or felt like my life has been this rich, than now. To do the things I enjoy with people that I enjoy being with, is truly a gift.

One of the most valuable parts about finding community for me, was that I didn’t realize how much of myself I was filtering or not sharing when I was around other people. One very liberating part of this experience has been that I’ve felt more comfortable sharing my experiences with this group, and didn’t realize until recently just how much of myself I was filtering or not sharing at all with other people. I just didn’t feel comfortable enough or didn’t think they’d understand (which is partially true). The more I share now, the less alone and more understood I feel in my experiences. I’ve grown a new comfort with being my authentic self. And I think finding a sense of community is the reason behind it.

In our times together sharing the experiences of our past, commiserating through the challenging times we still go through today, I found myself less preoccupied with the idea of finding a romantic partner. And all the while, simply having fun, enjoying each other and where we all are today. I still feel the twinges of loneliness that used to be the catalyst that would pull me down into sadness, but I’ve learned to train myself how to pull myself back up. I’ve learned that it's ok to feel that way, and that I need to let myself feel those feelings fully rather than trying to suppress them. But I also learned how to not let myself sit in those feelings for longer than necessary, and how to do healthy things for myself that bring me back to a place of feeling good about all of the other positive things in my life right now.

In parallel with making these friends and having those relationships deepening, I have also stumbled upon a key realization about how I have dated in the past. Like I said before, coming out of the closet, I was desperate for connection and thought I was only going to find it in a romantic partner. Looking back at how I dated, I was so focused on the end goal of finding that companion, that I almost forgot that the type of relationship I really wanted needed to be built on friendship first. I rarely took time to let the relationships with these guys grow slowly and be built on a foundation of friendship. I’m still learning how to let myself have fun with dating, while not losing myself and my sense of happiness outside of my relationship with that person in the process. When I was looking for a romantic partner, I should have actually been looking for friends all along. And it's been in that understanding of the intersection of romance and friendship, where I’ve been able to find more happiness in my life than I have in the past. Since I’ve come to that realization about changing the way I date, I kind of feel like I’m a toddler still learning how to walk, and still figuring it all out. But I feel like I’m not dating like I used to before.

Right now I’m interested in enjoying everything and everyone that's currently in my life at the present moment. For so long I wanted things and people that I didn’t have, while simultaneously changing who I was to get people to like me. And lately I’ve just been having so much fun living where I’m living, working on all the projects I’m grateful to be working on, and enjoying the people I treasure most. I’ve felt a new sense of freedom lately, where I’ve shifted my focus from always on the pursuit of romantic partners, to now my friendships. I’ve found it easier to just be myself and see who gravitates my way. And if something more is created from those friendships, then great, but if not, then I’ll be okay too.